I can feel it, almost as a pregnant child growing inside me...waiting. Not knowing what it will be when I give birth and it takes form....waiting. How will my life change? Would it have been easier to stay in my "comfort zone?"
It is growing inside me every day, this movement. A change is coming and is needed. I can't tell if it will be soon or somewhere in the distant future. I used to think that change was only necessary when people were unhappy in their circumstances, and even then, to upset the comfort zone often made it easy to stay in a less than desirable job or relationship. I go to work every day and am surrounded by an awesome community. I can do my job fairly well and easily as I have been doing it for may years. I am happy. Why, then, do I sense a change.
For me, life has to have a certain amount of flow. Stagnation can happen in the best of circumstances causing the slow disintegration of passion and engagement. Depending on your mindset and your sensitivity to your inner works, you may not even know it is happening. I live close to my heart and my spirit so I can easily sense when it is time to stop and take inventory. To check in with myself to see if I have become captive to the older version of myself when a new one is begging to step out and take form. I feel it. It is taking my hand and pulling me away from the stagnant stream, into the new flowing, river of my soul.
But where? What am I going towards? While I have a sense of what moves me and I am aware of the passions that engage me, I can't see how this will take form. I know it's coming, but here I am, in the waiting room. I remember the very first time I became aware that this new life was growing inside me. I was sitting in an outdoor amphitheater at Ghost Ranch in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The sun was setting and I held a box of paints and a piece of watercolor paper clipped to a board on my lap. I began to paint and absorb the sights, the slight breeze, the pure air and I was utterly happy. Later that evening I was reflecting on how peaceful and content I felt in that place. I filed it away, but made a mental note of how that experience was starting to direct me to a new purpose. I started listing all the places I felt joy. I drew a circle, a pie, and divided it into the pieces of my life as they presently existed. I was surprised to see what was actually taking up most of my time. It wasn't the things I was the most passionate about. I drew another circle. This time I divided it according to what moved me, the activities, people and places that I really wanted to give my time to. Now I knew what the new version of myself was asking for. I wanted this new "pie" to be the driving force in my future.
But I don't want to sit still. I want to do, pursue, plan, set goals, find a new job. I am tempted to create, contrive, and invent a new me so I can get started with this new venture. But I will surely end up with a version of someone else, not me. And so, I wait. I wait and watch.
In the waiting room it is important to become quiet and in tune with your heart. Mindfulness is essential to see what is moving inside you. When you enter a building, stop and check in with yourself to see what you are drawn to. What colors, objects and people. Where is your energy most alive, in a crowd or in nature? Scan your day. What activities or people gave you the most fulfillment. Which ones left you on edge? What I am learning about myself in this quiet period of waiting is that I need to create. I require large amounts of space and nature. I must write. I can only be in places and with people where I can be completely, authentically me. This means I will be spending less time with some people and more time with others. I am finding myself saying no to anything that doesn't support my new "pie." The waiting room is essential. As I sit here and gather information about myself I feel as if I'm shedding my old skin and seeing myself with new eyes.
Once your awareness leads you to your "truth" and the new form becomes apparent, it becomes easier to give birth to what or how you want it to manifest. Will it mean a new career or job? Less time at work and more time pursuing your priorities? You might find it necessary to leave old committees and volunteer opportunities for ones that are more aligned to who you really are. Sometimes it is a small shift that gets you into that flowing river. Or it may be a large shift, requiring a new level of courage and trust in your journey. Either way, if your life is aligning to your heart you will be immersed in true happiness and abundant living.