As a child I dreamed about who I wanted to become. I saved money for an orphanage. Does one just buy an orphanage? I researched animals and kept a notebook of all my favorite ones, anticipating a career with animals. At 9 years old I asked my mom if I could gather up all the kids in the neighborhood and "teach" them something. I wrote songs and poetry. Maybe I would be a singer or writer. I twirled around the house, longing to be a ballerina. At the age of 32 I danced my first solo piece on stage. I kept sketch books and doodled my way through high school. In college I studied to become a teacher. It was there that I also discovered my love for rocks and clay and outdoor education. As I moved into my marriage and child bearing years I began my career as a teacher, I took my first ballet class and fell in love with drawing faces. I became a mom and I fell in love with my kids. When I lost one of those children I loved so dearly I became a writer and a student of metaphysics.
We are always "becoming." Even when we don't feel it happening. It is as if we are constantly pregnant, giving birth after birth. I get up and go to work, do my job, read, share social times with friends and family and, at times, I don't feel pregnant at all. In fact, in this time of my life, I feel quite barren. But I know it is happening, in the same way the winter landscape seems to be dormant, but underneath it all, there is life. It is a time of waiting, feeling, breathing. To be okay in the unknowing, the nothingness. To rest, to wait and watch. To get out of my head, away from the planning, pursuing and doing. That will come in time. The open space is allowing for flow, for growth. Finding joy in the quietness, anticipating the day that I will once again give birth.
Unlike actual childbirth, which is somewhat out of our control, giving birth to a new dream or direction does require some responsibility and a little action on our part. Paying attention to what lights up our heart, the places, the colors, the people, the activities that cause a spark. Attending to the places we feel energy, passion and inspiration. Tuning into the relationships that energize or drain us. It is an information-gathering time.
As I wait, in this time of quietness, I work on fine-tuning my intuition so that I can see, know and recognize the new form that will come into my life. I meditate and recite my personal mantra:
Open my eyes to see;
Open my ears to hear.
Open my mind to understanding;
Open my intuition to knowing, believing, and trusting.
Open my heart to love and to be loved.
Open me to the courage that creates new life