Longing

I sat on my mat asking my body to please try and complete at least one yoga sequence.  I began to move through one position.  Two quick positions later, only 5 minutes into my attempt I lay on my mat, feeling the heaviness pressing down into my chest.  There was something that needed to be released, a deep longing that I had been pushing away. Images rushed in and filled my head.  I could see Chloe walking, then running toward me, I felt her hug, I saw her presence on holidays and her explorations in the woods.  I heard her sing and just felt her footprint moving everywhere through the world.  But her footprint was gone and I was left empty-handed and the longing my heart ripped at me like a hurricane and left me lifeless and sobbing.  I made no effort to move.

I soon began to hear my own breath and I reached for a piece of paper and a pen.  I began to write a letter to Chloe.  My words were not eloquent, but raw and sharp.  I told her I would meet her on Saturday.  I moved through my week feeling somewhat peaceful, with not much emotion, but somehow exhausted at the end of each day.  I just kept seeing the images of her in my space, in my life and I longed for her.  I was surprised when I also started seeing images from her death and I began feeling trauma.  I was a little confused by this as I could not identify anything that had triggered it.

Saturday arrived.  It was a warm, sunny day and I felt a certain happiness as I rolled out the mat.  I sat in front of the fire today, needing its warm glow.  I got the letter out and sat it beside me. I listed to Andre Bocelli sing the Lord's Prayer, Pachelbel's Canon and selections from George Winston's Winter album.  I wanted to get out of my head and into my spirit so that I could hear any message that might come to me today.

I have had experiences with receiving messages through my writing, If I can get out of the way and let my heart just take over.  I opened my journal and picked up my pen.  I asked Chloe if she could help me, if there was something I needed to learn in order to move forward. I didn't really know if it would work today, sometimes I am met with silence and I have learned to be okay with whatever I receive.  But today, in true Chloe fashion, I heard, "don't miss me."  I thought, "okay, that's easy for you to say...what else?"  And so the message continued...

"Don't look at what's lost, look at what's found.  Release yourself from the earth and all your earthly longings, put your longings in a box, put the lid on and seal it with love," 

I gathered up each longing and each image of trauma. I set each one in my hand and blew them into the air. then I heard Chloe say, "be right here, deeply in this moment..with me.  The way to deal with trauma is to be in the present moment with me.  Keep bringing yourself back to me, and away from the images of longing and trauma that are holding you captive.  Be with me in the present, not in the past."

The message stopped but I kept thinking about it.  I saw how true and healing this was.  I went through my day suspending my longings to that box and moving into the present, redirecting my mind from the past whenever it wanted to go and hang out there.  That "hang-out" I realized was making me miserable. 

What can I long for in this very present moment and what can I long for and dream about moving into the future?

I long to be immersed and washed in this present moment with joy.  I long to move into the future with trust and courage and love.  I long to grow all of these things so that they will replace the longings that cause me to look back and hold my hostage to my grief.



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