The Co-existence of Loss and Happiness

There is a path to happiness when you are in a state of loss, and the grief threatens to consume you. This path requires you to be deeply present in that pain. To accept it fully and allow yourself that broken state. Resist the voice that  says,"you need to be happy."  This will only cause you to deny the contents of your heart.  Stop, breathe and say what you are truly experiencing- "I am grieving.  I am sad.  I feel broken. I cry. I shake. I tremble. I am afraid."

Saturday was a beautiful fall day.  The Aspens were golden and dancing in the gentle breeze.  I took a walk to end of the lane where I found a rock to sit on.  I felt peaceful and happy.  As I sat there breathing, the branch of a small Aspen tapped me gently on the shoulder. A smooth, satin leaf brushed my face.  I suddenly felt the season in my body and my heart.  The soon coming anniversary of my daughter's death.  I felt it everywhere but tried to deny it.  I wasn't willing to give up my happy state.  And yet, I knew that the only way to true joy was through my pain, not around it.  I began to recite every feeling that was coming at me, leaving nothing unsaid.  And then, I cried making no attempt to stop.  I just let the river flow.

In time, I turned and walked back to the house, ready to go about my evening tasks.  But when I got to the house another rock was calling to me and I went and sat down.  Apparently I wasn't done releasing the pain.  I sat on that rock, surrounded by golden trees, and just watched them until the sun went down.  I felt a gentle sadness, but also a peaceful, calm creeping its way in to my heart.