Before I had my kids, I spent some time briefly pursuing an Art career. Although that pursuit didn't last long, it left me with a love for the pencil and sketch pad. My love became drawing faces although I became obsessed with perfection. In time I found I was able to create a photographic likeness of any face but I couldn't portray the emotion I was trying to express. It seemed pointless as I figured I might as well just become a photographer and I put my pencil to rest. One summer, after losing Chloe I decided I just wanted to paint fairies. This led me to a class on whimsical art and was artistically freeing as it helped me let go of my need for perfection and just immerse myself in the whimsy of my subjects. Over the next months this new style helped me to touch the emotional darkness of living without Chloe and moving into my new way of moving through the world
There is so much darkness that follows a deep loss. If there is any light at all around you it is difficult to see from your deep, dark hole. So how is it even possible for the light to return? I learned that you don't find the light, you make it. You start turning on lights because they're not going to to turn on by themselves. Each effort you make to move yourself forward results in more illumination. My first light happened when I went to the woods and felt the energy of the earth. It was small, but it was there. The next, when I began to practice yoga. Getting professional help from a intuitive therapist and equine therapist were bright lights that offered me hope. I didn't feel like I was even turning on lights in my life and it was a long time before I realized that the darkness was starting to fade a bit. Although I can't say it is necessarily linear either. You can experience a bright day only to find yourself in that dark pit again on another day. But it is necessary to honor both the dark and the light.
I often feel like I'm moving through life as a warrior, strategically choosing to stay alive. The battle was, at first, fierce and I thought it might be better to just succumb to death myself. But waking up every day, loading your weapons of determination and courage helped me to just step out and run head-on into whatever was in my path.
Some of the first images that emerged out of my "whimsical art" summer were those in which I could paint and feel that space in between the earthly and spiritual plane. The place where you meet where you meet your loved one. It requires work on both ends. As I sat in meditation I had to let myself go of this physical space, to let go of needing Chloe to be here- to raise my vibrational frequency to meet her. Chloe, as well had to lower her vibration that we might meet in that in-between place. These were some of the most simplistic images I have created but have had the most impact on my experience with my continued connection with Chloe.
As I became aware that Chloe was still in my life, I knew that she must be close to Hope and Dillon as well. I sat down and began to draw the girls in this "together" place. Their images emerged into a likeness of the two of them that surprised me. I felt an urging that Chloe had something she wanted to say to Hope and so I stopped. I got out a piece of paper and said, "Chloe, what do you want to tell Hope?" The words spilled out on the paper, I know a place that is neither here nor there. A place that only you and I can share....meet me there. It is that special place in the universe where two people can meet, regardless of the form they take or the distance that is between them.
The journey is yours. Listen to your heart-it holds powerful truths for you alone.